I found myself in a conversation about breakups recently and felt that I have to address the thoughts that have been gnawing at me for a while now. But as October neared, all I remember was the time I asked him to meet me, forced him to talk to me and walked away from him.
One of my biggest regrets in life was breaking up with Ian. We got back together before he died, thankfully. But it also made his death more painful for me. I think about it almost everyday.
Shortly after he died, I thought it was something that needed to happen so that I can become closer to God, so that I get prepared for what was to come. So that I would know how to live without him. But there are days that I feel so stupid for being such a drama queen.
I refused to acknowledge the fact that I broke up with him because it taints the image of the kind of love I like to believe that we had. It makes me doubt the love I had for him. It makes me feel like a fraud.
Every night I pray that I get to dream of him so I can tell him how sorry I was because I didn’t. I was planning to show him. We got back together a month before the pandemic happened. We were planning to make it up to each other. He left me when we were happy and hopeful. And some days, it just feels extra painful because I didn’t get to make it up to him. I wish I had enough time to make him happier, to make him forget about the hurt that I caused, to show him that I was better.
People say that grief comes in waves. What they don’t say is that sometimes, after the waves crash into you, you are left to swim in a pool of regrets. The pool is shallow at times, but there are days when it’s a struggle to keep your head above the water. The water would fade away until the next wave comes.
I found myself swimming in my own pool of regrets for the past few weeks. I suddenly think about the things I didn’t get to say and do in the middle of my everyday. I found my floater a few days ago while I was cleaning my phone’s gallery.
This was posted by one of his friends. That was his hand holding mine while he was singing his favorite karaoke song - I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing. Grief might drown you in regrets but life always finds a way to give you something to hold on to.
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