Dear self,
Today is July 25, 2023. One day before Ian’s 3rd death anniversary.
I am in our room, the scent of a candle in the air. JK’s green and purple stars above us.
I just finished a PB&J sandwich. It’s all I crave everyday.
I haven’t been myself lately. I couldn’t do much. A simple real life task would make my heart beat so fast I’d sometimes get dizzy. I haven’t seen any show for a week and that means a lot. The clutter on the table has been left on its own for about a month. Reading and dancing were only the things I could do. Oh, and crying, too. Lots of it. Mostly while driving.
Earlier today, I allowed myself to take BSS’s “Don’t give it up, never give it up” to my heart. Suddenly, a crying fest began at 3 in the afternoon.
I cried about Ian. How much I missed him. How much I wanted to hear his voice, to just feel his hug. I cried about his family’s pain.
I cried about me. How I feel like I’m back in July 2020. Being paralyzed by my grief. Being so lost not knowing where to go, what to do. Not knowing how to move forward from where I am.
I cried about disappointing people around me. About wanting to be a better person. About living a better life.
I cried about you. How much I wanted to be there in your place, where it’s better. Where things have made sense, where there’s more clarity and less confusion.
I cried about having to go through today’s pain for you.
How are we now while you’re reading this?
Is the pain still there? Do you find joy everyday? Do you have a job you like?
Is the guilt still there? Do you know yourself better? Are your relationships okay?
Do you still love as much as I do?
Comments
No posts