It is June 2023 and I am currently lost in life. I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’ll be doing or what I have done. I needed some grounding so I read my previous posts. I couldn’t recognize the person who wrote them until I found something in my drafts — the eulogy I wrote for Ian.
I miss him so much tonight and I think it’s time it sees the light (of your screens).
I have imagined, countless of times, us in an altar, speaking about love, making a vow to each other in front of our families and friends, just like now. But in my imagination we were wearing white instead of black, and everyone was crying tears of joy instead of tears of mourning. Tonight might be different from what I imagined, but still, I will speak about love and make a vow in front of our families and friends.
Ian and I wasn’t together that very long but, borrowing the words of Hazel Grace from one of our favorite movies The Fault in Our Stars - He gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful. In that short amount of time, he made me feel and taught me a lot of things that I will carry forever in my heart.
In the short amount of time we were together, he taught me a lot of things.
Ian made me feel pursued. Sa buong buhay ko, first time ko maligawan nung trenta na ko. And I might’ve lived with the thought na hindi naman kailangan ng ligawan, hindi naman kailangan ng courtship, but he made me understand the feeling of being pursued. For that, thank you Ian for making me feel special. He once told me that I was special not because of things I have achieved in life, but I was special because I was fearfully and wonderfully made by God.
He taught me how to forgive and how it feels to be forgiven. When we fought, I have no problem in saying sorry when I know it is my fault. And when I do, he would always say “apology accepted. Forgiven na.” And it is humbling to hear and feel that whatever my fault was, it was already forgotten. He never held a grudge against my mistakes. He taught me how to forgive, how to not look at the past, and how it is never shameful to start over again. Thank you Ian, for making me feel worthy of forgiveness and teaching me how to truly forgive. I know in my heart that you have forgiven me because I am extremely sorry for not being able to save you.
You taught me how to be brave and strong. Because of our line of work, we have always been on one end of intubating patients. How many times have we intubated a patient? Sometimes even together. Pero iba na pala nung tayo na yung pasyente. Tayo na yung sinasabihan na kailangan ka ng tubuhan.
I will never forget that phonecall when you told me that you have to be intubated. I didn’t know what to say. I asked you “Natatakot ka ba”?. “Oo naman.” was your answer. Sabi ko magdasal tayo kasi wala na kong ibang masabi.
You taught me at that moment na okay lang umamin na natatakot tayo. That there is courage in admitting our fears, and there is strength in letting God take control of our lives.
You taught me how to be brave during the nights that you were in the ICU also bravely fighting for your life. I learned that there is strength in living a life without you in it.
Lastly, and most specially, in the short amount of time that we were together – you taught me how to love. You taught me that I could feel genuine happiness just by seeing you happy. You taught me that love does not end when one’s life end. The 2 whole weeks that you were in the hospital, it was when I felt the greatest love of all – which is the love of God for you and me. God’s love and grace is carrying me through this season of mourning. Thank you for leading me back to Him.
A book I recently read said “Truly great people emit a light that warms the hearts of those around them. When that light has been put out, a heavy shadow of despair descends”.nI know everyone would agree that the light you shone upon us was one of the warmest and the brightest.
Thank you for sharing your warmth with me and everyone around you when you were still around. Your warm hug is the thing that I miss the most especially on days when it’s dark and lonely. Thank you for you sharing your light, it is the same light illuminates my path as I walk through this darkness of grief.
You and I weren’t together that very long, Ian. But just like Hazel Grace, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity.
Tonight is different from what I imagined. I’m the only one making vows, but I do vow to mourn for our loss, to celebrate the life you lived so beautifully, and continue to share the love that you left with me. You will always hold a special place in my heart that no one can replace. I miss you everyday that you weren’t here and I will miss you until the day I get to hug you again. And as my favorite BTS song goes – No season, no darkness is eternal. I vow to live a life that you will be proud of until the day we get to the season of spring, that one day that we get to see each other again.