This week was a little difficult. It felt like Semana Santa (Holy Week).
It felt like I was preparing myself for a death I know will come.
Ian was intubated July 12 last year.
On July 12 this year, I woke up wanting to die.
I spent more than an hour in bed, thinking if I should go to work or stay at home. I figured I should go to work, I need a distraction. But it turned out it was not a good idea because I was distracted at work. I spent the whole 8 hours keeping my tears from falling. By mid-afternoon, my head was throbbing. I wanted to throw up as I feel the acid burning in my stomach. I clocked out at 5:10 pm and walked to my parking lot. The flood gates of tears opened once I closed my car’s door. I haven’t cried that loud in months. I haven’t felt that pain in months. I found myself sobbing for almost an hour.
I remember all the details of this week last year, how hopeful and hopeless I became. How I was feeling nothing and everything at the same time. I think about the choices I made and didn’t make.
Will things turn out the way they did if I did things differently?
I miss him so much.
I just want to receive a message from him.
I just want to see him again, even if it’s only in my dreams. Kahit guni guni ko lang.
I just want to hold his hand again, to hug him, to hear his voice just one more time.
Even for just a second.
I have been asked the same question quite often lately – How are you?
I can only answer with a smile, a shrug, or a lie.
Because really, how am I?
I am okay with not being okay.
I am yearning and I am longing.
I am wounded. I am healing.
Sharing to everyone this song by Gary Valenciano.
The first few lines of the lyrics goes:
Here we are many are mending their broken hearts
Many are grieving and deeply wounded defeated
From those who’ve gone with no goodbyes
Text from the video’s description:
This song represents the human spirit; that when push comes to shove, it will look for a way to survive.
It will choose to focus on that which can help lift the human spirit above the strongest storms, the highest waves, and the most powerful winds.
And then through it all, the human spirit realizes that apart from Him, we can do nothing.
It’s a song that I pray restores hope that settles in the hearts of everyone at this time; even ‘til after we are healed and made whole again.