Today, I attended a talk about grief.
A few minutes before it started, I was hesitating to join because I was thinking “Grief na naman?! Di pa ba tayo tapos diyan, self?”. Am I making my grief a big deal than what it actually is? Am I making my existence all about it? Are people tired of the grieving me? Am I stuck in this season for too long?
I sometimes think that I want to forget about everything and just live my life without dealing with grief. I want to write about happier things, about the mundane, or more interesting things about myself. I want people to stop looking at me and think about my loss. I want to get it over and done with.
At times, I find myself being genuinely carefree and happy. I enjoy things and I start to dream again before I start feeling guilty. I learn dances and post them on my social media feed then I feel bad after. Is this how a grieving person is supposed to behave? I once went through my Pinterest board of my dream wedding and started to feel hopeful. Then I started feeling sick to my stomach of even thinking about getting married. Am I even allowed to think about marriage? The arguments I have with myself truly never end.
The speaker asks, “What is the most challenging thing you encountered while grieving?”.
Heck this whole grieving thing is challenging. The endless tug of war between helplessness and hope is exhausting. I get so sick of feeling all the feelings that I end up feeling numb. I end up not wanting to feel anything because being hopeful will just turn into guilt and the feeling of loneliness ends in self-pity.
I used to write to Ian everyday, on his notebook that I stole from his locker. I write about the pain, how I miss him, how much I love him. And then slowly, the ramblings became shorter and the days far between. I just checked and my last entry was April 19, 2021. I didn’t even last a year. What a shame of a lover am I? The past week I went to his ward and did not feel anything. I even stayed for a few minutes longer than needed because I was waiting for the wave of grief that did not come. Pfft. I’m a useless piece of a girlfriend.
His birthday is just ‘round the corner and I don’t feel sad enough. I don’t miss him enough. I’m even scared of celebrating it with other people because hello @ COVID cases at its highest since this pandemic started. And I feel bad about all these thoughts. A lof of times I just want to curl up in bed, read fan fics, watch K-drama and consume BTS content. But is living that life honoring Ian? JUSKO. Ang hirap. Please.
I’m mad. Or frustrated. And hopeless.
What’s the point? What’s the point of grieving? What’s the point of dreaming and wanting to do good, wanting to make a positive change, of hoping for better days? With all the uncertainty we face day after day, death after death, loss after loss, corruption after corruption, what’s the point of all of these?
People around me around me are getting the virus and my empathy tank is running dry. I feel like I’m becoming less human day after day. A dear friend just recovered from COVID and she said “Parang nabuhay nga ako sa covid pero namatay deep inside”. It saddens me but I honestly can’t bring myself to tell her to look at the bright side, to hope. Because, really, will we ever see the light at the end of this dark tunnel?
At the end of the talk, someone talked about a new ministry our district is adapting. It is called Mourning to Morning. A special ministry for grieving people. The ministry from another district that helped me when I was at my lowest. The grief support group I attend once a month. I felt my heart beat faster. I felt a tug in my chest.
And I end up telling myself - Let’s try again.