During my 18th birthday, before I blew the candles on my cake, the emcee asked me “What is your birthday wish?”. I wasn’t prepared with a speech so I blurted out the first thing on my mind - “To be happy”. I cringed so hard at my answer a few moments later because it was totally uncool. But it was honest.
Isn’t that what we all want?
Have anyone figured out how to be happy?
I had a conversation about Ian with someone about a few weeks back. She asked me if I feel like I lost the will to live and I just answered with a shrug because I didn’t feel comfortable talking about him at that time. She then told me “Well, no one is really happy with life.”
She’s 30 years my senior so maybe she knows better. So… is that it? Do we really end up just wishing to be happy every year on our birthdays but never get to be?
Today, I am COVID positive. This is my Day 6 of illness and I feel better today than the first 4 days. I took Molnupiravir and I think it improved my symptoms.
Of course I can’t help but think about Ian. If he got COVID now, when the variant has milder symptoms and science is more advanced, he might’ve had a better chance at surviving.
This sh*t of a pandemic has left with me (and some of you) with conflicting feelings that coexist - joy and sadness, excitement and frustration, anxiety and hope.
I got COVID and got better. He got COVID and died.
Am I happy and grateful that I got better? Yes.
But am I also crying at the fact that I got better but he died? Yes.
So maybe it’s true that we really can never be happy. But I refuse to believe so.
Maybe no one have figured out how to be happy. But I think I figured out how I can be happy. This is my 18th birthday wish and I will make it happen.
Caption: I am the sunshine on the outside, forever rain (with glitters) on the inside.
I realized that I may not be always 100% plain happy but I can always choose to focus on the happy feelings that I have. Choosing sunshine does not mean that I am ignoring the rain, I am just choosing to smile while it is raining.
For this new season of my newsletter, I will try to share about the things I am currently into because wala lang. Gusto ko lang. Hahahaha
Ano magandang theme? 5 senses?
Mary tries to Hear - I am loving the OST of the KDrama Our Beloved Summer. My favorites are Maybe If by BIBI and Christmas Tree by V.
Mary tries to Touch - I am enjoying my BTS-related Paint by Numbers Kit! I buy them from Paint By Hue on Shopee or IG.
Mary tries to Smell - I have found the joy in scented candles. I have been using a candle warmer and I just realized that the scent gets weaker as time went by so I put a few drops essential oils in them (while melted) and I think it kinda worked! HAHA
Mary loves to Taste - OMG. I am always hungry while recovering from Covid. My friends sent me practically the whole menu of HappiLee Kitchen and I am just so grateful and busog. My favorites are everything.
Mary, if wearing her glasses, can clearly See - I see you. Char.
I am currently doing the RM Book Challenge 2022 with my friends. Pray that I get to finish it!
*** Okay, that was fun. I think I like this theme. ***
Any suggestions on what theme I can try for the next wala lang portion?