Have you ever had that moment of a clear mind with a burst of energy and a lot of drive that makes you finish all the tasks you’ve been putting off for days? I had that moment earlier this week.
It felt like the fog in my brain suddenly cleared up and I can finally see the mess in my room, the unwatered and wilting plants, the to-do list full of tasks undone. It felt like the cogwheels of my mind started turning and I was able to do finish the things I need to do and more. I was even able to squeeze in an hour of yoga. If only I had that amount of energy everyday.
I have a lot of days when my mind feels chaotic and full of thoughts some welcomed, some intrusive. There are days when I can only focus on one thing like surviving the 8 hours of work and I forget about all the other things in my life. And i’m just grateful for the days when I can get out of bed happily and I can think clearly.
The past week felt like a whole month has passed. I had a lot of firsts.
It was my first time to host a public event virtually. It was about Mental Health During the Pandemic for the members of the Feast District I belong to. Hosting events was something I enjoyed doing before but the pandemic left me with such little confidence in myself that I actually got nervous. I’m glad though that I said yes despite my anxiety. The event helped me gain some self esteem and a lot of learning.
It was Ian’s first death anniversary. Maybe because we’re still in this pandemic sht, but time has been weird to me. It seems like it’s been forever since he was gone but I also feel like it was just yesterday when we last met. I went to their place to visit him and his family. I always look forward to the stories his family and close friends tell about him. I feel like I’m getting to know him better even though he’s already gone. It makes him more alive, like he’s never gone, like he’s there with us.
It was my first time to see a Kathy in the flesh! One of them surprised me at home and gave me a package. It was raining so hard and the wind was blowing wildly that we only got to say hi, hello, goodbye. The whole meeting lasted for about 2 minutes or less. The package contained a beautiful gift, a lamp of a photo of me and Ian. It was such a nice reminder that there is always light despite the darkness.
Inside the package also contained 14 handwritten letters from the Kathys - my ARMY GC. I was overwhelmed with the love pouring out of each sincerely written, creatively packaged, well thought-out, intricately folded, lovingly handwritten letters (some with beautifully drawn art). I cried so much my tears that can match the rainfall that day.
I actually dreaded Ian’s first anniversary as I was afraid of how grief can be isolating. When I see people going on about their lives when my own seem to stand still, it makes me feel alone, makes me feel like I’m the only one dealing with the loneliness. I was dreading the pain that I might feel on the anniversary of the worst day of my life. I was dreading the heavy rock that I knew I’d have the moment I wake up. But all this dread left me when I read the letters my friends sent me. The love they showed me overpowered any anxiety I had that day. Sitting with other people, in times of grief really goes a long long way.
A couple of other friends also made me feel less alone and more loved. They cushioned my fall on that day and the pain I felt was more bearable than how I imagined it to be. They made it known that I am not alone. They did not allow me to feel alone. The day that I thought was going to be full of grief and sadness became a day that is full of love. I feel Ian’s love through them and I thank God for bringing all of us together.
"Our tomorrow may be dark, painful, difficult. We might stumble or fall down.
Stars shine brightest when the night is darkest.
If the stars are hidden, we’ll let moonlight guide us.
If even the moon is dark, let our faces be the light that helps us find our way.”
-Kim Namjoon aka BTS RM , United Nations General Assembly 2020.
sendings lots of love and hugs! Yes, we'll virtually hold your hand through the good and tough times.