“Go back to your why.”
This is what I learned the first time I wanted to quit residency.
When exhaustion hit my bones after being awake for more than 24 hours handling more patients than you can, getting an earful when you make mistakes, not eating on time, being quizzed every now and then, quitting seemed to be the silver lining.
My seniors told me when i get tired, I should go back to my why.
We used to say that everyday is a quitting day in residency but we know deep within us that we did not have the heart to really do it.
Because we had a reason why we were there.
”What is your why? Bakit ka andito?”
This story of my why has been in my drafts since February of this year.
The need to go back to it has been exceptionally strong in the recent past.
During senior year in high school, when the time of College Admission Tests came, I honestly wasn’t sure on what to take. I ended up choosing Psychology and Early Childhood Education because of the prospect of becoming a preschool teacher. I guess I wanted to sing and dance with children on a daily basis. Then suddenly, I am in the already in the concrete jungle that is Manila to pursue a dream that is nothing but visiting malls I only read in magazines. I ended up enjoying BS Psych a lot, consistently being on the Dean’s List and even graduating with latin honors.
As far as I can remember, aside from being a preschool teacher, our career choices then were between Clinical Psychology, Education, and Corporate Human Resource Management. But during the summer before my senior year in college, my university’s College of Medicine announced that BS Psychology graduates do not need additional units to qualify for medicine proper. I now have a choice to become a doctor without needing to take additional summer courses.
Never in my life have I considered becoming a doctor until one morning when I read the daily newspaper in our table while I was having breakfast. I usually skim the newspaper until I get to the comics section. But that time, one article caught my eye. I couldn’t remember the exact article and I’m not sure if this is it but I remember how it made me feel.
I remember how it made me feel like I was meant to read it.
I remember thinking, the Philippines need more doctors? I can go to medicine. I can be a doctor. I can help.
It sounds as cheesy as your 6-cheese pizza but it’s true.
I chose to go to medicine because the Philippines need more doctors.
This is my why. To help. To share a part of my self.
The next thing I know I’m buying an NMAT reviewer at National Bookstore, then I’m on a UV express to Taft to take the test. I remember getting a fever after I got home. Haha When the results came out, I didn’t expect to be at the top 5% of all examinees. I only had about 3 months to prepare by myself and after getting a high score, I must’ve been meant to be a doctor. The feeling was exhilarating. I thought this might be my life’s purpose. Wow. Big words.
I dreamt of joining the Doctor to the Barrios program. I didn’t know what that would need from me but I just wanted to heed the call.
Gusto ko lang punan ang pagkukulang.
Fast forward to 5 years of grueling medical school and internships, my fears became greater than my dreams. I realized medicine wasn’t easy in the metro, what more in the barrios? I didn’t have the guts to leave my comfort zone and deal with a third world country’s poor healthcare system alone.
Fifteen years after reading that article and ten years after I got my MD, I am now scrambling to find a way out. I didn’t care about my why anymore. I figured I helped enough Filipino children in the past 8 years of becoming a Pediatrician. I saved enough langit points for when my time comes.
I am spent. I am done.
But I’m also broke and an opportunity to earn cash in 10 days presented itself to me.
I just have to go to Mindanao, become a district hospital’s Pediatrician for 10 days.
I thought that this is my chance to fulfill that dream of becoming a doctor to the barrio. Maybe this is a parting gift for me, right before I quit medicine.
But more than anything, I needed money. I said yes after just an afternoon of thinking.
A few days after, I’m on a red eye flight to a place I’ve never been to.
A few hours after landing, I am in a van with 2 other doctors, looking at rainforests on both sides of the unpaved road we were at. After a seemingly never ending hour, we turned and suddenly the ocean was right beside us.
It took us a little over 3 hours but finally we reached our destination.
I wanted to be a doctor in a far flung place in the Philippines?
This is as far-flung as one could get.
Next Part:
Hometown ZaZaZa: Part 3 of a long story