Background music suggestion: Good Parts - Le Sserafim
One day in December 2022, while I was stuck in EDSA on my way to a dance class, I thought about my upcoming birthday. It was the second month of my medical leave from work and I was feeling a lot better. Coming out from a depressive episode with recurrent thoughts of death (mine and others), I thought about doing something nice for my birthday. A celebration of some sort that, hey, I’m still here. My suicidal thoughts have become manageable (not completely gone) and having something to look forward to helped a lot.
I initially just wanted to dance but when i finally got to Podium, I filled up 2 pages worth of ideas for a full-on birthday party. I had a theme, a set list, decor ideas, a program and games to play. I asked friends to dance with me and everyone was game. The same night, I messaged the choreographer to help us with the dance. After 2 weeks, I booked the venue. Maybe I’ll do a separate post on the preparations coz it was a whole different story. A long story. For more than a month, my mind was filled with thoughts about the party. Hahaha I was elated and very excited. I just did everything I wanted to do. I enjoyed every minute of the preparations. I wanted to have a party dancing and vibing to Kpop songs, wear KPop inspired clothes, play K-Variety games and just have fun. I told my friends who danced with me that there is only one rule: they should have fun. I had a self-shoot, printed out photocards with my face on them LOL, made videos, and a lot more.
I called the event Hallyu Birthday Mary. I wanted a Kpop concert + games from K-Variety.
I’ve been into KPop for more than 2 years now and it’s no secret that it greatly helped me after I lost Ian. It brought a lot of positive changes into my life in many ways. It provided comfort whenever I needed it, lead me to friendships that I treasure, and it gave me a space where I can be myself.
KPop brought me to the world of K-Variety thru Run BTS. One thing lead to another until I now find myself watching 1 Running Man episode per week hehe. Watching people play games and have fun brought back to life the fun-loving person in me. After Ian died, i’ve always felt guilty every time I crack jokes, laugh or just watch people have fun. It took a long time before I really get to have guilt-free fun. We always say that it’s okay to not be okay, but I also needed the affirmation that it’s okay to be okay.
Hence the KPop + K-Variety themed party!
Fast forward to the event - everything was a blur for me! Hahaha
Time went by too fast! Mommy uttered the most heart warming prayer. We had good food. We danced, they screamed (LOL), we played games! I was prepared for the laughter. I knew we’ll have fun. I knew we’d have a great time. It’s the aftermath that I wasn’t prepared for.
Everyone was telling me they are happy for me and some even said that I inspire them to love themselves. Huhu what do I do with that information? I didn’t plan on doing such. I just wanted to do the things I enjoy doing. I just wanted to share my favorites. I am overwhelmed and I still don’t know how to feel or what am I feeling. Do I deserve this? *feeling ko alam ko na ibig sabihin ng BTS when they say they don’t know if they deserve ARMY LOL*
I’m not sure what to make of this but I know that I should not take this lightly. I want to cherish this. I want to make good use of this. I want these words to be a big part of the life I will live from this day forward. I want to bathe in this love, this support, affirmation, and friendship. I might be living with pain, but I am also living with so much love along side it. I might’ve lost some of my light but there’s still enough to shine. I might not like the whole me but I really love my good parts.
I didn’t expect that a birthday party I planned to distract myself from thinking about disappearing will give me a hundred reasons to exist. People tell me I’ve inspired them but it’s them who made my light glow brighter.
I know God was with me since that fateful December day. I didn’t encounter a single problem during the planning period. Everything fell into place. All my first choice of suppliers were available for my date, even with short notice for some. All the things I ordered arrived on time. Everything was smooth. Not. A. Single. Problem. This is not my first event so I know how things go. It really went as smooth as it could.
It felt like he was saying “Go lang anak, I support. Deserve mo yan.”
I felt Ian the whole time I was planning it. During my self-photoshoot, worship music that he used to sing were playing in the studio’s sound system. I had to play KPOP songs to stop me from bawling right then and there (Layout 1 palang ako pls, sayang makeup).
My heart is just so full.
It is full with gratitude. To my family who loves me unconditionally. To my friends who equally loves me unconditionally. To KPop and K-Variety shows. Thank you, Lord.
It is full with pride. Pride in myself for choosing to live a better life, for choosing to forgive and heal where it hurts the most.
And full with love. My heart is just full of love.