This year I learned I am an introvert.
I’m loud and I like to think that I’m a funny person. My friends would describe me as cheerful. I shamelessly sing and dance at random times. I wear loud colors, dangerous slits, and plunging necklines. In college, I raise my hand to answer our professors’ questions if I know the answer. I volunteer to recite. I organize parties and host them. I never complained if I dance on the center of Zumba sessions or Christmas parties. I playfully banter with my bosses. I entertain people, I like making them laugh. People called me sunshine.
I remember taking a personality test in college which said I’m an ENFP.
I knew I was an extrovert.
Things happened and I forgot how to smile for a while. I lost the energy to make people laugh. The sunshine was gone. It was just dark clouds and heavy rocks pulling down a frown.
And then the story I can never get tired of telling happened. I found BTS and ARMY. Things got better and I found myself smiling again. I felt the joy in making people laugh again.
In the middle of having fun with my ARMY friends, I took the personality test again and discovered that I am now an INFP. I can’t believe it at first that I took the test thrice, days apart. The results was consistent. I’m an introvert. I’m a loud one, but still an introvert. What a revelation.
This year I learned that I’m an introvert and it struck me so hard that I started to get to know myself better. By doing so, I started to embrace who I am and who I want to be. I am 32 but I guess it’s never too late to befriend one’s self.
I learned that I am a romantic. I like arranging and smelling flowers. Lighting up candles and staying up late to read romantic fictions makes me feel good.
I learned that I procrastinate a lot. Haha I pay my bills on their due dates. I finish work right on their deadlines. I should work on this. eheh
I learned that I like dancing. And that I can learn choreography! I used to be scared of choreography!
I learned that I like Kdramas and Kpop. I used to tell myself that I will never like them and I am glad I am past that.
I learned that I like writing down my feelings and sharing that part of myself to anyone willing to listen.
I learned that there are a lot of things that I have to unlearn.
How I live with all the ingrained prejudice towards myself and others. I have to unlearn the way how I talk to myself, how I see and take care of my body, how I choose the words I speak, how I understand other people, and how I perceive a lot of things.
Today, I learned that I am still not okay. That grief and healing is indeed a process. The past few weeks left me so numb that I let myself spiral down in my own thoughts. I wallowed too much on grief, guilt and hopelessness. I spent the a good part of the day in bed, with no energy to do anything that involves taking care of myself.
Earlier, I went back to the handful of letters from friends I received a few months back. I reread one of them and a dear friend shared a quote with me which pushed me to sit in front of my laptop and write.
"You’re resilient and courageous. You won’t let pain be your final narrative.”
Today I learned that I am stronger than I think.
If you’re still here reading my thoughts and feelings, thank you! I appreciate you!
My sunshine. Love you ber <3