Pinky and I were talking about newsletters in the morning of NYE and I told her I haven’t been writing because my vulnerability is not at its best. I’ve been too conscious about oversharing, thinking that people does not care about what I write, or that they care too much and will only roll their eyes on my wrong grammar. But she shared to me a couple of articles and her own newsletter inspired me to write one.
So here I am, after 3 glasses of Green Grape makgeolli, on New Year’s Eve, writing on my laptop with a dirty screen propped on the mahjong table for my 2022/2023 Essay.
I’ve been taking a break from work since November because of health issues. My mental health was at its worst since the dark days of 2020. I got professional help and thankfully, I will be back to work 3 days from now. I’m not excited because I will miss waking up at 9am but I’m glad that I’m now well enough to function as an adult in the society. Therapy helped in gaining a new perspective and now I can somehow convince myself that not all of my thoughts are true.
During that break I got to do a trip to Singapore. It was a family vacation but I decided to stay for a few more days for some alone time. I loved it. I’m glad I chose to do that. I met two of my friends’ friends. I was just supposed to give them some gifts from home but we ended up hanging out for 2 nights and it was just exciting. It was my first time meeting people I’ve never seen or talked to before in another country! I was honestly scared at first that it’ll be awkward or that they’ll find me boring but I had the best time with them. Our conversations warmed my soul and the late night walks lightened my load. I also got to visit the MENTAL exhibit in SG Art Science Museum and it was something I didn’t know I needed. The food trip and garden visits were also so much fun. It was something I was looking forward to do during the hard lockdown days.
Speaking of trips, 2022 was the year I took my first ever solo birthday trip. I drove to Subic, stayed in a pretty airBnB and just did whatever I wanted to do. I now understand the magic of travelling alone. I think I want to do it more often.
It was also in 2022 when I got to watch my first ever KPop concert. I saw SEVENTEEN in MOA Arena last October and it was … addicting! Haha I watched the concert on my own but I stayed with two of my dear friends afterwards. I’m grateful I got to do some processing with them right after because it was overwhelming. After that, I saw AKMU on a whim. I bought the tickets on the day itself WAHAHA. I love it. And then I saw SEVENTEEN again in Philippine Arena. Those days were like a blow of cool wind on a hot summer day. I am grateful that I got to do it. Seungkwan’s ending ment during BeTS Bulacan really made an impact. 2022 was a good year for the KPop stan in me!
As happy as those moments were, it was also this year that I lost my Nanay, my grandmother. She was the warmest light in my life and it got quite dark when that light went out. There is always a part of me that feels shame when death knocks on my door because I feel useless as a doctor. My Dad also needed to be hospitalized and there was a feeling of helplessness which I think lead to a drop in my self-esteem. I know I can’t save them all but … I just feel bad. Hehe
I suddenly remember during my 2nd year in high school, my homeroom teacher made our nicknames for our Christmas party. I picked “Wonder Woman” and guess what, it was me. So during our party she gave me a gift since no one bought me one and made a small speech. She said that she gave that nickname to me because I can do a lot of things at once. I was the class president then and I just remember thinking that I was just doing my job.
Fast forward to 20 years later, I took too much on my plate thinking that I’m still “Wonder Woman”. I started to fail to finish tasks and felt guilty about it. I lost sleep and time for things that sparked joy. This lead me in a downward spiral and here I am, on my better days after a brief break(down). It forced me to let go of a few things which made another blow in my self esteem.
One of the valuable lessons I learned is: I can’t do it all and it’s okay.
A lot has happened in the past year in the spectrum of I-Wanna-Die to OH-MY-GOD-I-LOVE-IT-SO-MUCH. Good and bad don’t cut it anymore. I swear to my makgeolli that I tried to write about them but my own self would just convince me that I cannot do it. Reasons were either I'm too busy, I’m not talented enough to write it (but why do I need to be talented??? lol), or that no one will care (but I can easily name 5 people who cares). The thought that has been most recurring is that people is tired of my grief. No one said that to me but me. Shame has taken over me.
BUT - as my domain name states - I am trying. I am trying my best not only in writing but also in loving myself. I am trying my best to live this life with grief and magic. Age has taught me that resolutions are just made to be broken. But growth taught me that you can always start over again no matter what day it is.
Thank you dear reader for continually giving me space. Here’s to us, as we continue to try in 2023. I am rooting for all of you! Cheers!