One of the therapists I saw this year said that maybe grief is catching up on me.
I’ve been taking medications for mood and anxiety for half a year now but she said I don’t look anxious. I look like I’m in grief.
”Sobrang sad lang talaga”, I said in agreement.
I realized that the two years I spent in training was partly a distraction from everything. I don’t like to think that it was all a waste, I believe that there was healing there. But I was wrong in thinking that after those 2 years, I should be fine already.
I honestly thought that the joy i got from BTS, ARMY, and KPop has brought back all the pieces of me together. That’s why I feel so uncomfortable when at the end of my training, I feel so lost - again. It felt like I was back to square one. I didn’t know what to do with my life. I didn’t have any goal and didn’t know what to dream of. Stripped off the title of being a trainee, I didn’t know who I am still. The past 2 years I played the role of being a fellow but I didn’t really get to know me.
The past 2 years I grieved the loss of Ian but I think now, more than ever, I am grieving the me that I lost when he died. The change has been so palpable on the outside but I can’t really figure out what exactly changed deep within me.
If he didn’t die, what would’ve I become? What choices would have I made?
Am I not becoming the person I am supposed to be just because he died?
Or is he really meant to die, and I am really in the path of the becoming what I am supposed to be? Even if it’s different from what I initially thought, what I initially dreamed of.
My therapist also said that after every loss, there is a rebirth.
A shedding of our old selves to make way for a new one. She said it’s a whole process and that it is painful. And oh my gosh, I do feel that pain everyday. Sometimes I cry without even knowing what I’m crying about.
But that’s okay dear friends. I have faith in myself. Faith in the process, in my strength, and in the grace of God. As one of you have loving said, we do not let pain be the end.
Today I am on a beach in Zambales to sit with the pain and the discomfort. Earlier, I saw this view while walking adound. I immediately thought, “Ian would love this”. From there, words started to come out. Let me end this post by sharing with you what I have written under the shade of trees.
Ian would love it here
He would take so much photos
Of the trees, of the beach, and probably of me
He would love the tacos
The beef, the pork
And maybe the coffee
He would love the beach
The sand more than the water
The sunset and the likely cold bottle of beer
He would love the 4 hour drive
Would probably hold my hand
Make me laugh more than a couple of times
Ian would love it here
To be here with me
Whoever I may be